Overcast and gloomy – me, and the weather.
After a beautiful weekend, the weather has gone back into a funk and I’ve kind of gone right with it. I’ve managed to get a few things done this morning, but it’s already 2:00 and I haven’t completed near enough, including this blog. The warmth of my bed is beckoning and if it weren’t for the guilt I’d feel, I’d climb back in.
The symptoms are relatively under control but the depression is still lingering. Not wanting to leave the house is my biggest issue right now. There are things to be done that entail getting out and among people. And with no offense intended to anyone, Ms. Bitch is sitting just beyond the curtain, ready to make her appearance. I can let her rant and rave in the privacy of my apartment but her behavior is not acceptable in public. In the meantime, the grocery store, the auto parts store and a few other places are waiting for me.
On Monday nights, I teach a journaling class. It’s another means of forcing me out of the apartment because I’ve made the commitment. Because it’s only an hour once a week, I can usually get beyond the door without too much of a fight. I feel good about the classes because I feel like I’m helping others; of course that may be only my perception.
Right now, I’m on the breezeway of The Mad House (See PTSD – A view from the inside. Parts VI and VII) overlooking the carnival. I’m comfortable right where I am and don’t want to move. I don’t want to do anything that will take me back inside and I don’t feel capable of getting away completely, out and among others. I feel clumsy and vulnerable. Is there another word for vulnerable – “exposed” maybe? Where did the term “belly up” come from? When a fish is ill or dies, it goes “belly up” in the water, exposed to every predator. When mammals are less than leadership material, they go belly up, exposing their soft underside to the Alpha Male. That’s a good comparison of how I feel right now…as though I’ll go belly up and expose myself to torment.
It’s funny; I can talk about this sort of thing on the internet, exposing everything to the world. Yet I can’t talk to friends or family. People I believe to be friends look at me rather askew once I’ve revealed any of this. One woman, a sweet person I met recently, likes to talk endlessly on the phone. I made the mistake of answering her call on one of my really bad days and found out how to get her off of the phone quickly. I also made the mistake of really answering her when she asked how my day was going. She ended the call pleasantly in a matter of minutes. I think family members have already come to the conclusion that I’m a bit off my rocker so I don’t discuss it much with anyone outside of my brother. And I know people get tired of hearing it. The response is “It’s done and over; get past it!” And if it were that simple, I’d certainly do that.
This is actually one of my better moments; the voices are at bay; Ms. Bitch is near but not at the forefront; my knee isn’t bouncing; and I’m not crying. I’m a little on the numb side though and that creates immobility which can be just as bad. Unfortunately, it’s easier these days to stay numb.
AGAIN!!! SOUNDS LIKE ME!!! , Try watching “BEING THERE” a movie with SHIRLY MACLAINE & PETER SELLERS about a man who was apparently orphaned at a very young age,or perhaps an illegitimate child who is apparently oblivious to any stress whatsoever , sheltered I guess by a rich family or some kind of will that took care of him ??? The situation that was taking care of him expired or whatever , anyway he ends up on the street with nothing but his clothes . He knows nothing about the world except gardening and a few programs he watches on tv , but he ends up over the alpha dogs in the end . I thought that was a good movie and watched it 2 or 3 times and I am sure I would like to see it again sometime ! It brought my spirits up !!!